The Conversations We Never Have

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection." - Brené Brown

There are conversations almost every human being will eventually face - about death, faith, regret, mental illness, politics, forgiveness, money, purpose. Oddly enough, they are the conversations we avoid most.

Why do we spend so much time talking to each other, yet so little time talking about what matters most?

I have always preferred conversations face to face - looking someone in the eye, noticing the pauses, hearing the tone in their voice, watching the expressions they may not even realize they are making. It is the difference between hearing someone and truly listening.

Topics such as death, faith, money, mental illness, politics, regret and many other important subjects we should talk about, we hardly ever do. Every one of these subjects carries shame, uncertainty or vulnerability.

Death reminds us we are temporary.

Faith reminds us that certainty is often elusive.

Politics challenges our identity.

Money exposes insecurity.

Mental illness exposes pain.

Regret forces us to revisit mistakes.

And when we do, it is often from behind a keyboard. Rather than trying to understand one another - or even agree to disagree- we too often, especially in politics, stop listening and start trying to win.

The subjects I mentioned above are tough to talk about with anyone, but if we are to keep searching for answers to our biggest questions, facing our fears head on, then we need to talk about these subjects more openly and honestly, and with more civility.

Politics, religion, and mental health seem to be the three subjects we either avoid altogether or approach with absolute certainty, seeing the world through an increasingly narrow lens.

But I believe the real issue is fear.

We avoid these conversations because they require us to admit we don't know everything.

We might discover we're wrong.

We might hurt someone.

We might expose ourselves.

We might cry.

That's much deeper than a Facebook post.

So why are the most important conversations the ones we avoid?

We talk about sports.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about work.

We talk about our vacations.

We talk about television.

But we rarely talk about the things that keep us awake at three in the morning.

Perhaps the conversations we avoid are the very ones that make us human.

Because those conversations don't just reveal what we think. They reveal who we are.

Nobody grows from talking only about the weather.  We grow when we admit we’re afraid. We grow when we say, "I don't know."

We grow when we tell someone we are struggling.  We grow when we ask another person what they believe and genuinely listen to the answer.

Maybe the answers we spend our lives searching for are not found in books or podcasts or social media at all.

Maybe they begin across a dinner table, with a conversation we have been afraid to start.

Over the past few years I've found myself talking more openly about grief, OCD, faith, and the uncertainty of getting older. None of those conversations were easy, but every one of them brought me closer to someone else.

Searching together has always been easier than searching alone.